


Explanatory report, or A page of the non-existent, but none-the-less very convincing diary of Agent Blake

by dunkelgrau



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Don't Touch Lola, Epic Bromance, Gen, J.K. Rowling cameo, Joss Whedon cameo, Lady Gaga cameo, Sarcasm, Stan Lee Cameo, one day in the life of an average senior agent, the driver chooses the music
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-28
Updated: 2014-01-28
Packaged: 2018-01-10 00:48:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1152814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dunkelgrau/pseuds/dunkelgrau
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>24 hours and 1 minute of an ordinary day in quite ordinary life of an average senior agent of a normal espionage and law-enforcement agency, recorded by the man himself. It also includes lots of coffee, incredible amounts of sleep deprivation, and one cat to rule them all. You've been warned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Explanatory report, or A page of the non-existent, but none-the-less very convincing diary of Agent Blake

5:00. Got out of bed as the alarm went off.

6:00. Woke up.  
In the period between 5 and 6 AM managed, without waking up, to:  
\- take a shower;  
\- shave with a straight razor;  
\- dress and knot my tie with a double Windsor;  
\- drink a mocha at Starbucks;  
\- steal a mug from Starbucks;  
\- walk a dog (not mine);  
\- flirt with a neighbor (not mine);  
\- defuse a child wrapped in explosives (also not mine - neither child nor explosives - at least I hope so).  
Note to self: reread the "legend" by which I live in this safe house and find out precisely why there happened to be any children at all.

6:05. By the way, do I always have boobytrapped children at my safe house, or is it just some kind of a ‘weird gifts’ day today?

6:30. The defused child appeared to be one of Coulson's team. Called herself 'Simmons'; insisted that she was an adult.

6:31. Coulson confirmed this. Even the fact that she's an adult.

6:42. Stopped banging my head against the wall.

6:43. Started downloading “Supernatural”, walked to the office, took the child with me.

7:00. I love my job.

7:01. I SAID I LOVE MY JOB.

7:02. I LOVE MY JOB DESPITE THE FACT THE PLACE I WORK IN IS CALLED “THE SANDBOX” AND IT IS LITERALLY A BLOODY KINDERGARTEN!

7:45. Discovered that my division was renamed while I wasn't looking. Not that I'm complaining. Special Administrative & Strategic Service sounds way better than Central Research & Unification Department.

8:00. Debriefed the subordinates, using the new abbreviation.

8:22. Practiced evil laughter while the subordinates weren't looking.

8:25. I wonder if all the new abbreviations we use are the courtesy of J.K. Rowling. Need to check that one.

8:35. Checked. No, that can't be her. She's on a different mission.

9:01. Well, well, so who was the dummy who provided the experimental coffee beans from Dr. Banner's lab for my office coffee machine?

9:03. BLAKE SMASH!!!

9:40. Totally need to ask Dr. Banner for more of his coffee beans. Some seriously restorative stuff, that is.

10:03. Attempted to watch "Supernatural". On the first minute agent Sitwell burst in and distracted me with some rubbish, assuring that his rubbish was more important than mine.

11:15. Sitwell, for the love of God - I told you that was _rubbish_ , and the fact that was a portal to Nilfheim doesn't change my opinion! No Nilfheim creature in my experience could stand up to a good blow to the head with something tolerably heavy.  
Note to self: going to need a new office chair.

11:16. Asked my assistant for more coffee.

11:20. What is taking you so long, did you crash into that portal or what?!  
Note to self: going to need a new assistant.

11:25. Lured the assistant from under the table, where she was hiding all this time. She swears she is not an alien spy, and is still the same assistant. In any case forced her to make coffee and try it before giving it to me. Now watching her and waiting for the symptoms of poisoning.

11:29. The coffee she makes is truly a new brand of a deadly sin. Damn, that is really my assistant. Pity I missed my chance to shoot her on sight.

11:50. Spotted some weird kids and Agent May running through the shooting range, screaming something.  
Note to self: check for what sins Coulson got himself such a team.

11:51. Oh, they are on a mission, who would have thought.

11:52. Agent Coulson has just driven Lola into my window and requested fire support and remote access to certain databases. I wonder when he will request political asylum.  
Note to self: check for what sins I got myself into this.

12:00 Touched Lola.

12:01 Twice.

12:02 Fastened Lola's seatbelt. Does that also count as “touching”?

12:04 Coulson, no.

12:05 Coulson, don't.

12:06 No, Coulson, no 'like in the good old times' on my shift, I remember those times too well. If you don't pity me, have some mercy on our ballast. Kids. Whatever is your way to call those ones shivering in the backseat.

12:07 Oh, so you call them 'agents'!

12:20 I'M ON A HI-I-IGHWAY TO HELL! Together - HI-I-IGHWAY TO HELL!! Hey, you poor sods in the backseat, where's your enthusiasm?! And stop screaming that we're all gonna die.

12:34 Don't tell me I didn't warn you. Now, how are we going to prove that we were just headed to the bakery to get some donuts, and DIDN’T crash into Tony Stark deliberately and DEFINITELY NOT whilst in flight?

12:36 Coulson, will you ever come up with a better excuse than 'bad connection'?! Or do you seriously think Commander Hill didn't notice the background noise during your video call, which included me opening the Iron Man suit with a crowbar..?

12:39 Oh, so you have a plan.

12:40 Oh, so you have a soldering-iron!

12:49 It is never too late to learn. Who would have thought that JARVIS’ systems could be hacked with mere intimidation?  
Note to self: ask Coulson for a master-class of that psychological soldering-iron thai-bo, or whatever the name of that martial art is that he practices.

13:00. Towed Stark to a hospital. In the most inconspicuous way possible, of course – but how else does one tow an Iron Man in a flying red Corvette? Started inventing an explanatory report which wouldn't look like an outright lie.

13:40. Flying over New Mexico. Have just read the draft for my explanatory report out loud. The backseat kids are demanding we show that one to Stan Lee. It wouldn't hurt you to show some respect, you know!

13:59. We've already spent about two hours in flight, and Coulson still won't share his information on this mission we are supposedly on. Phil, if we are going on a 'meet and greet' with Steve Rogers AGAIN...

14:00. Okay, Coulson, you can tell me, you really can, I've shot you so many times we are practically relatives. Hey, you in the backseat – close your ears, this is not for ki- um, for level 7 agents!

14:06. ...did WHAT?! Hey, you, keep your ears closed, my swearing definitely not for your clearance level either!

14:15. Okay, now you can open your ears and listen to the story, approved for a family audience. Agent Coulson is dragging us to Mexico, not for some rare postcards of Guadalajara, but because Director Fury has his number on speed dial. What's the connection? I’ll give you five minutes to guess. Countdown's started…

14:16. Unleash your imagination!

14:17. Come on!

14:18. What? No guesses at all?

14:19. You know, you really could have hazarded a guess that, sometimes, Director Fury decides to solve situations himself, in person; and of course he is quite capable of operating without any serious backup. You could also have guessed, maybe, that sometimes there are unsuccessful attempts to reproduce the super-soldier serum which somehow result in giant, mutated guinea pigs - and I'm talking literal guinea pigs. Also, it might have occurred to you, if you weren't so constrained by your lack of imagination (albeit alternately gifted with brains) one's abilities to use one’s cellphone are very limited whilst one is inside a giant, mutated guinea pig's stomach. Shame on you, kids. Shame on you! A true agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. must be prepared to act in situations that are way further from objective reality than this one!

14:22. And - no, we're not flying Lola to Director Fury's position just because it's faster, but because it’s simply contrary to human logic. We aren't going to make the fact that our revered Director is writing angry messages from the stomach of a giant guinea swine public, are we? Remember this, young padawans: Agent Coulson, flying a bloody red vintage Corvette in front of the whole Sandbox, doesn't attract that much of attention of our commanders as a silently vanishing Agent Coulson does. _Nobody_ knows what to expect from a silently vanishing Agent Coulson. And don’t give me that innocent look, Coulson, like you're trying to activate the ejection mechanism for my seat! I know you have a reason why you're bringing me along as part of your flying circus.

14:25. Oh, so I'm an 'independent expert on military technologies' now.

14:26. Oh, so I'm a 'fair-minded witness'! Can you just confess that I come up with better explanatory reports?!

14:31. You, in the backseat – one more joke about Stan Lee, and I'm pushing the ejector button for _your_ seats! And you - yes, you, young man who's trying to impress me with keeping a straight professional face - are so going to end up in Lola's trunk.

14:32. Oh. We've already got someone in the trunk.

14:35. Coulson, is every member on your team as nuts as you? What is your hacker doing in our trunk?! I'm warning you, I'm not buying the 'she didn't quite like the backseat' tale, because I can hear her tapping out S.O.S. from here.

14:40. Whoa, Coulson, okay, I'm done asking questions, just... no more roll maneuvers while we're in Lola, pretty please..?

15:05. Well. The Amazing Coulson and his Suicidal Circus decided to storm into the lab of the undefined (and probably dead, in as far as I can judge the situations which involve Director Fury going solo) scientific genius. I volunteered to guard Lola and the hacker girl in the trunk. Not that I'm afraid of mad scientists, the Sandbox is well-packed with those... I'm just not a fan of being within the damage radius when Director Fury gets out of the poor piggy.

15:13. The hacker girl calls herself 'Skye' and she's just told me she has been hiding in the trunk because nobody wanted to take her on a possibly dangerous mission. Where does Coulson get such freaks of nature, I wonder? Is there a factory which makes them? If it were me whom they didn't want to take on a possibly dangerous mission, hiding myself in a trunk of their vehicle would have been my last choice. Hell, I would have closed myself in my office and danced some awful pagan dance of absolute joy for a few hours...

15:17. I can hear muffled swearing and gunshots from the lab. Skye is begging me to let her join the team. The girl still hasn't seen Director Fury in action, especially when he's that pissed off... and I believe he is. And it is quite possible he is trying to shoot Coulson now just because it took us over two hours to rescue him...

15:21. Found the lighter on Lola's control panel.

15:22 Oh, so _that_ was the button for ejecting the passenger's seat! Sorry, Skye, I didn't mean it.

15:23. Found Lola's audio system. At least I hope it actually is an audio system, and not some intercontinental missile guidance system.

15:24. Oh! So that was a switch for a built-in mortar! Sorry, Director Fury, sir, I really didn't mean it. After all, there aren’t any casualties, right? And most, well, more than half of the lab is intact...

15:30. I hate travelling in the trunk.

15:35. Especially when there's some hacker girl in there already.

16:05. What's the Morse code for a lunch break, I wonder…?

16:10. Reporting parasites in the woodwork in loud Morse. I don't care that Lola doesn't actually have any woodwork, I just want to make the journey less boring for those in the backseat.

17:20. ...are we there yet?

17:21. Are we there yet?

17:22. Are we there yet?

17:23. No, Skye, there is nobody else here for me to annoy. Are we there yet…?

17:25. Last time I wanted to kiss the solid ground this much was when Agent May decided to show me all the joys of a freefall flight. By means of an unscheduled jump. Without a parachute. From a burning 747. Now, if anyone else dares to tell me that Coulson drives Lola like a god, I'm so going to specify, which god _exactly_. And stop eyeing me from your parallel reality, Mr. Laufeyson; that wasn't exactly a summoning prayer, in case you didn't notice.

17:40. Grabbed some snacks at the canteen, shooed the assistant away, locked myself in the office. Ah, a moment of peace, how I missed you! Finally I'm going to have something to eat... and a chance to catch up on “Supernatural”.

17:42. Agent Coulson! Which part of “lunch comes first, report follows” did you not get?! And how did you even manage to get through this door, which I personally ordered from a military plant just in case I needed a door for a bunker..?

17:44. Oh, so your Simmons kid let you use some leftover explosives from the ones she was wrapped in. By the way, I've been wondering since this morning - what the Hell was she doing at my safe house? Come again…? 'Homework'?! Wait, you can't be seriously teaching your team the field work basics by means of unauthorized access to senior agent's safe ho... Oh, wait. I've forgotten whom I'm talking to. Of course you can.

17:50. I spy someone who's most likely robbed our canteen. I spy someone who's trying to bribe one poor hungry me with cookies. Damn you, Coulson, I'm already corrupted, bring some more, bar the door, and let's compose our report...

17:52. I said, “let's compose our report”, not “let's watch “Supernatural” together”!

18:03. W-well, _this_ explanatory report is worth showing to Stan Lee even by my standards. All we need now is to somehow persuade Director Fury that firing the mortar was just the accidental result of an innocent attempt to listen to Led Zeppelin.

18:04. Agent Coulson is absolutely sure that the words “innocent attempt” do not go well with my usual facial expression. The most annoying thing is, that I have no arguments against his statement.

18:30. The screenwriters of “Supernatural” surely have some sort of a mole within S.H.I.E.L.D. giving them the ideas. The whole scale of insanity is... somehow familiar. As well as the logical contradictions. Or the lack of the sense of self-preservation. Or the unhealthy addiction to junk food. Feels like home, actually.

18:50. Oh joy, Agent Barton has managed to sneak into our humble shelter through the ventilation system. He explains his enthusiasm as 'the unbearable desire to help senior agents in composing the sci-fi bestseller'. Definitely not going to ask how he got the information on our planned report; I already smell the sick sense of humour of Commander Hill.

19:01. No, we are not going to illustrate our report.

19:02. No, we are not going to re-write it as a screenplay.

19:03. NO, Agent Barton, we are most definitely not going to read roles!

19:10. Agent Coulson was so thorough in barricading the door that re-opening it without more explosives turned out to be impossible. No casualties, except for the shell-shocked assistant whom we've found in the corridor – but she's alive and mostly sane, therefore she doesn't count. Hopefully, her concussion will help her rediscover the skills of making coffee...

19:20. Our mightiest warlord (namely – Director Fury) blocked all possible approaches to his office. That's what psychologically traumatizing guinea pigs do to you.

19:38. Reporting our twenty-first attempt to break into main bosses' level and let them have our report. Occasional gunfire and hidden traps are considerably slowing us down.

19:40. Still trying to access Director Fury's office – this time, through the system of extra rooms for technical staff only. Apparently, we are making a lot of noise, because Agent Romanoff has just joined us, as she puts it, 'out of plain curiosity'. Her advice is to send the report via Russian Postal System just so it gets lost; Romanoff's opinion is based on her belief that it was Russian Post who invented raisins and extra old cognac. What can I say? Once a Russian spy, always a Russian spy.

20:25. One doesn't simply submit an explanatory report, okay, I get it. Since you people don't want to read it anyway - can I please go home now?

21:00. Tried to go home. On my way to the car realised that I forgot which safe house exactly I'm staying in. Had to come back and check the updates on the 'legend'.

22:34 Right, I always suspected that meeting Agent Coulson when trying to go home is some sort of bad omen. Had to stay for an extremely tiring reprimand performed by Director Fury himself – apparently, Dr. Banner gave him his sedatives. I have high hopes for those pills and pray that Director reads our report before the effect wears off.

22:37. Tried to go home.

22:50. On my way out of the parking lot managed to get stuck in some incredibly smelly alien goo – or is it something from our labs…? God almighty, HOW I HATE THIS!

22:51. 'God almighty' wasn't meaning _you_ , Mr. Laufeyson!

23:00. Chasing Loki on all levels of the “Sandbox”. Not sure who's getting more fun from this: the chasers or the chased.

11:24. Tried to go home, while everyone else is busy, but goddamned Sitwell spotted my maneuver. Oh, I'll have my vengeance. I'll make him drink the coffee my assistant makes!

11:32. Loki has barricaded himself in our inner communication center and is now broadcasting the text of our explanatory report on all channels. Judging by Director Fury's facial expression, he hasn't read that one. And the effect of the pills is obviously wearing off rapidly...

23:38. Who would have thought that it would be so cozy and comfortable in an airshaft... especially compared to the corridors, where Director Fury is lurking at the moment. Lola's mortar in his hands somehow makes the airshaft feel even cozier.

23:45. Reached Coulson's position in the ventilation system. Am going to express my frankest opinions on his methods of work. Swearing out loud always feels like a good way to relax to me.

00:42 No, I'm not done yet! I've been silent and bleeped out for too long!

00:53 Loki has crawled to our position and is now taking notes.

02:21. Reached New York via the ventilation system. Don't ask how; and I'm still not done expressing my professional opinion, and it doesn't make the slightest difference that none of today's incidents are exactly your fault, Coulson!

02:25. Sitting with Loki and Coulson in some 24/7 diner, carefully and quietly consuming blueberry muffins. Trying to come up with another way to explain the explanatory report to Director Fury - if we ever come back alive.

02:41. Loki and Coulson are discussing Scandinavian mythology. Naturally, if I take their photo and put it on twitter now, our conspiracy will go to Hell, but... damn, no one is going to believe that such a thing happened if I don't provide a some kind of proof. Decided to distract myself; asked the waitress for a pen and a few napkins to write down a draft of an explanatory report for the explanatory report.

03:02. A suspicious, balding, red-bearded guy has just joined us at the table, read what's written on the napkins, and offered to make this into a movie. Now I feel like I seriously _need_ to take a pic of Loki and Coulson: seems like they've found something they truly agree about. They both look like they are planning a subtle way to murder their interlocutor.  
Note to self: think about ways to get rid of the body.

03:15. The body got rid of himself via making his excuses and rapidly walking away. Coulson suspects that was the Clairvoyant now. We're lucky he didn't take the napkins with him.

03:21. Desperately trying to remember if any of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s agents have safe houses in this area.

03:22. IN YOUR DREAMS, Loki.

03:23. No, Loki, S.H.I.E.L.D. safe houses don't have spare cushions!

03:24. No, Loki, don't even try that sucker punch of yours, turning into a cat won't make me pity you.

03:26. ...Coulson, can we keep him?

03:34. Decided to stay at the safe house of Lady Gaga – she's on a mission in Europe anyway. Now trying to figure out which of us is to sleep and which of us is to pet the cat. I'll get some matches to draw lots...

03:35. I've just realized we are trying to 'draw lots' _for only two people_ using the whole matchbox. Really, even 'rock-paper-scissors' is more productive. See, Coulson? You can't deny these little hiccups in brain activity right now are nothing other than the severe symptoms of terminal sleep deprivation!

03:37. ...if you let me sleep now, I will conduct safety training for your kids. For a week. That's worth a bargain, don't you think so..?

03:40. Loki, you bastard! The whole bedroom is far too much for a cat!

03:42. Coulson and I are silently sitting in the kitchen and trying to make some coffee via staring at the coffee machine.

03:45. ...wh... Where was I?.. Ah, yes! Making coffee. Right. Fine. We've got no right to sleep while there's a manic god in Lady Gaga's bedroom and Director Fury is on our trail. I'm not sleeping. Not sleeping...

05:00. …definitely not sleeping!!! Coulson, show me the nitwit who programmed all the S.H.I.E.L.D. alarm clocks to go off at five in the morning, I'll shoot him on sight! And - Loki, I'm warning you - the question I'm going to ask is purely rhetorical and you don't need to answer it, but I really want to know...

05:01. ...DEAR GOD, WHEN WILL THERE BE A DAY WHEN I GET SOME NORMAL SLEEP?!

**Author's Note:**

> Originally this was written in Russian by yours truly with great help from my friends Maddy and Staisy, who offered me some of the ideas. The fun thing is that I practically wrote down my own working day - well, on a greater scale, yes, but with my genuine approach to the disaster that can be called “a working day”.
> 
> My dear friend Kris helped me to fix my translation into English, and without her this text would never happen. I also want to thank God, Marvel, Stan Lee and all the people who gave us this Universe to play with.
> 
> Special thanks go to Agent Coulson a.k.a. Clark Gregg (or is it the other way around? not sure)), who made me love this Universe, and Agent Blake a.k.a. Titus Welliver (still, not sure)), who made me correlate with his character enough to write this. I bow before their beautiful friendship; I simply needed to make their characters cooperate in “dude, don’t try to mess with me, we went to university together” style)))
> 
> P.S.: LOLA ACTUALLY DOESN'T HAVE ANY BACKSEAT xD But that's Marvel Universe and anything is possible)))


End file.
